my heart

This heart of mine, is kinda lonely sometimes. I know I should not be. Allah is with me.always...
But at home, it's very hard. It's very hard not to get mad. It's very hard to 'pujuk' myself whenever I feel hurt. Some people(who understands my condition) said get yourself a good guy who'll listen to you. Then I'll give them that look that I always do. I do not need any guy who is not my husband. I do not need a husband either right now. I just need...peacefulness. Happiness.Maybe this is the reason why I'm such an introvert. Whenever I have time for myself I like to indulge myself in something that I like.Alone. Time for myself. I hate noise. I hate crowded places. Because when I'm back to real life business, it's always about everybody else. I always have to go back being the very well discipline me. I need to pretend to be strong again.

I'm such a whiner, am I?I know that too. I don't know. Sometimes it gets too painful. I don't mind crying. It's a huge part of my life. And thanks to that I got my panda eyes:D. But I can't see her crying. You know, I read this book called 7 habits of highly effective people. That book is quite okay and what it says are almost all correct. It said that we need to take control of things that we can and let go of things that we can't. Work on things that we can change to make our life better. I know this problem of mine is not mine to handle but I can't help feeling that I have to do something about it. Steve Jobs once said, do not waste your time by living somebody else's life. They are all correct and right on! But the thing is..I can't get out of this mess. It's not my choice. I barely can do anything about me and if I ever try to not think about it I just can't. It's my mom we're talking here. How can I believe that something that got to do with my mom has nothing to do with my life?How can I just let her cry and not do something about it?Tell me. How

Allah..HE got plans for me. Better than what I want. I know that. But sometimes, I just do not want to be strong. So just let me do that. I'll ask no more. Just let me be sad. I'm not asking for a miracle to happen. Just let me loose for a second. I'll be myself again tomorrow. I know people around me is trying to help. They throw solutions at me that they never know that it wont work cause I usually tell them just half of the story. Sorry guys, whatever you said, they'll never worked and not because I think so, but because I tried all of them. Nothing worked.

So for now, just let me be like this for a sec. Maybe tomorrow will be a good day, who knows. Am I whining?Am I not being grateful? I don't know. I hope not. Allah had given me more than I could ask for. Alhamdulillah, thank you Allah:)

I'm done crying. So I felt like writing. Sorry if this post does not come as any benefit to anybody but I just felt like writing. Don't be istaken. I'm fine. Just let me be. I'll be who I usually am again. I know that cause this ain't the first time